The scale and crazy thinking

The scale is taunting me this morning. I am really fighting the desire to jump onto it and see what the random number generator has to say. For it to tell me if what I’ve been doing the last 10 days is good or not. If what I’ve been doing the last 10 days is worth the added effort or not.

How silly is this? Absolutely crazy thinking. Of course what I’ve been doing for the last 10 days is good - I have been really focused on eating healthy and exercising. I’ve ramped up not only my exercise level but I’ve been working on non-weight related issues. I’ve been meditating and visualizing and doing EFT most days - and those three things alone leave me with such a great feeling of wellness and peace. I’ve also been much more focused on my ‘to-do’ list….business and personal related things.

Yes - I want to lose more weight. That is a given. And yes, the weight has been coming off VERY slowly the last 3 months. However, I made a commitment to not weigh for 4 weeks and I am going to stick to that commitment. Whether I have lost weight in the last 10 days or not does not matter as I am sticking to my plan of action for the month. I will continue with my 9 week challenge and evaluate mid-way if I need to make any changes. There is no need to weigh. There is no need to weigh. There is no need to weigh. Even though Mr. W hasn’t moved the scale to the shed, I am not going to step onto it. There is no reason. I will not be controlled by the random number generator. Repeat after me, Sybil…..I will not be controlled by the random number generator!

On a separate issue, I have discovered a new website that I am enjoying reading. www.dietdetective.com It has some great information, from many perspectives.

I’m also about a week into my experiment of adding coconut oil to my diet. I’m not sure if it’s real or mental (or if it really makes any difference!) but it seems like after I eat it (about a tablespoon made into coconut bark with seeds/flax/coconut/cocoa) I have a distinct ‘rush’ feeling. Like a mini-adrenalin boost or something. I plan to read more about coconut oil pros/cons this week….I’ve heard that Mary Enig and Johnny Bowden have opinions on it so I’m going to start with them (as I think they tend toward being unbiased).

Glucose challenge

So today I took my 2-hour glucose challenge. I have had two lab tests with slightly elevated glucose levels so the doc thought it was time to check into it a little further. I have put it off for about 4 weeks – partially due to holiday but mostly due to the fact that I hate the thought of having diabetes. IF I have diabetes, I will feel like such a failure. Like I have failed my body. And actually, whether I have diabetes or not, I feel that way right now.

I feel like I have failed myself and my body. I have failed to keep myself as healthy as possible over the last 49 years. And, I tend toward beating myself up over it.

For years I’ve stuck my head in the sand and ignored what I was doing to my body. Sure, I’ve awoken to the error of my ways and I’m doing really well with making healthy changes but I still have residual guilt over what I’ve done in the past.

Guilt is ineffective though, isn’t it? I mean truly, what purpose does guilt serve? I think I need to give it a rest. Let go of the guilt. Just know that today I am doing everything I can to become fit and healthy. Paying the price for past decisions is part of life I guess. Let’s just hope the price I have to pay is not huge.

On a positive note, I took my second Body Balance class today and truly love it. It’s a combination of Yoga, Pilates and Ti Chi. The only think I don’t like about it is that it’s at 6am! Today I woke up at the last minute and thought to myself…..”go or go back to sleep?” I went, and I’m glad I did.

Low carb eating is going well. I feel very healthy eating this way. My indigestion is mostly gone. My nails are growing. My face is clear. I’m rarely hungry. I don’t miss the white stuff, breads, pasta, rice, potatoes at all. I eat at least 5-7 servings of vegetables each day with healthy servings of protein and fats.

I would say the only concern I have is that the scale doesn’t seem to be moving very fast. Could be insulin resistance which should be revealed with this latest lab test. Could be that I’m just at a sticky plateau and need to hold the course. Could be that I’m not eating enough although I’ve been really diligent about eating to my BMR or above lately. Suppose it could also be that I’m eating TOO much and need to drop my calories but that doesn’t seem logical to me at this point. I did 10 hours of exercise this week so I don’t think at my current weight, 1800-2200 calories per day is too high.

Here’s the latest from my photo-per-day series. I’m getting a bit frustrated with my photography business in general but I’m loving my photo-per-day playtime. If I could just find people to take pictures of on a regular basis WITHOUT actually having a business, that would be ideal. Sure, it’s nice to have an income, but maybe my path is not to make money from my passion? I wish I was like the Gambler….Kenny Rogers…..so that I’d “know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away….”.

I want to EAT EAT EAT today!

I am having a very difficult time not eating today. I am having a compulsive-wanting-to-overeat day. I am not hungry physically….but certainly am hungry emotionally.

So, what’s going on?

Well, this morning I picked up an old journal from about a year ago. I read a few entries and thought to myself…..have I really made much progress? yes, I’ve made progress…..I’ve removed about 20 kilos/45 pounds from my body. I’ve established a great exercise program that I’ve come to love. But, there is a very negative voice in my head that tells me that in a year, I should have done a whole lot better at becoming fit and healthy and more importantly….THINNER. I think I need to tell the voice to shut the @#_)(*#$)(* up.

Another thing going on is that our dinner plans for the night have changed and I’ve lost a bit of control over them. Not that it’s a huge deal…..this is part of life and my plan needs to fit with my life and all…..but it has sent me into a bit of a quandry. Originally, we were going to a restaurant that I’ve eaten at several times and KNOW that I can make good choices. Now we are going to our friends house so not only will the wine flow freely (BIG wine people) but all food choice will be out of my hands - other than to eat or not eat what is served. Again, I never want to get so crazy about my way of eating that I can’t enjoy life - but I just think it’s put me into a bit of a spin.

I’m also cold and tired.

So…..what is my plan for the rest of the day to handle this? Here goes….

1. Take the time to meditate, visualize and do EFT (especially do EFT on how I feel about my progress over the last year, my compulsion to eat and how out-of-control I’m feeling about tonight’s choices).

2. Also think I’ll throw in the hypnosis podcast on weight loss - just for extra measure.

3. If I’m still tired after doing these, I’m going to crawl under the covers and take a 30 minute nap. That will also help me warm up.

4. Then, I’m going to get ready for the evening and plan for a nice, enjoyable time spent with friends - knowing that I am in charge of what I put in my mouth. I can either approach the evening as a ’splurge’ meal or I can make appropriate choices - I’m confident I’ll know which way is best for me before I leave for the night.

Oh, and I’m going to make some coconut oil bark to have at about 5pm. The fat content will hold me until dinner is served - whatever time that is.

Ok, I feel better now. Blogging - for no reason other than to sort myself out is an amazing tool.

This and that

Gosh, I had a good workout today. I started with a 30-minute personal training session. He really pushed me today – chest and triceps primarily. He warned me that I may be stiff tomorrow. I followed that up with 25 minutes on the treadmill doing high intensity. I was totally in the ZONE! Plus, I’ve started my mini-movement sessions today. I’d like to do 4 per day and I’ve done 2 so far (jumping rope and abdominals). Will do another abdominal session and some pilates/yoga while watching TV in a little bit.

I listened to several podcasts from Motivation to Move while working out. Scott Smith really keeps me going. I think it’s one of the best $20 that I spend each month. I don’t agree with everything that he says but that’s no big deal. The content that he provides, in general, is great and very motivational.

Today I asked Mr. W to hide the scale. I’ve decided that I’m going to switch to a monthly weigh-in. I’m getting a bit crazy with this plateau so I’ve decided during my 9-week challenge period, that weighing once a month is sufficient. This might not be a good idea when a person is in maintenance but I’m a long way from maintenance. Plus, any decision I make today is not set in stone!

Read a good book while on holiday and just finished up a book review on it. If you haven’t read the book by Randy Pausch called The Last Lecture or watched his lecture on YouTube, you owe it to yourself to do that.

It’s time for a new picture of my bod and measurements. Tomorrow is one year since I seriously started this new fit and healthy lifestyle. I truly feel like the tortoise when I read other people’s blogs and how quickly they have lost weight. However, having said that, I really need to remember not to compare myself to others. That’s an ugly habit that keeps raising its head in my life.

Here’s a couple new photos from my Photo Per Day series. They tend toward the esoteric, don’t they?

My 9 week challenge

I’ve challenged myself to 9 weeks of intense work in order to reach some specific goals. It seems like there are many fitness people who do 8-week challenges and such, but I chose 9 weeks because in 9 weeks I leave for a trip to the USA to see family and friends.

It also seems like a long enough timeframe to actually be able to make some headway. I’m going into this challenge having been on a weight plateau for over 3 months – which I must say is very frustrating. However, I am hopeful and confident that I can break through this plateau. And if not, I have some non-weight goals that are certainly achievable.

I need to remember that success is not defined by perfection or by meeting ALL of my goals. As long as I make progress, I will be pleased – however, it will just be ever so sweet when I BUST through this stall and remove another 15-20 pounds of fat from my body.

Nine Week Challenge – June 26 through August 27, 2008

Goals for 9 week Challenge:
- Drop one jean size (from 18 to a 16)
- Decrease waist by 2 inches and hips by 2 inches
- Increase HIIT treadmill time from 20 minutes to 30 minutes
- Increase treadmill speed from 5.5-6 kmh to 6.5-7 kmh
- Strength training – 3 times a week, 3 sets of 15 reps of 8 exercises per time
- Keep carbohydrates to 20-25 net per day, calories between 1700-2200
- Remove at least 15 pounds of fat (95kg) (ideally, would love to be to 90 kg/198 pounds when I take off for trip!)
- Build up to swimming 20 laps without flippers
- Four times per day, do mini-workouts (jump rope, jumping jacks, hoola hoop, dance, yoga or pilates moves, abdominals) or do 30 minutes of pilates/yoga/yogalates

Non-fitness goals for 9 week Challenge:
- Daily meditation (I’m really working to make this a part of my ‘normal’ day and having success.)
- Daily visualization (Visualize that new body!)
- Daily EFT (I am a firm believer in this and want to practice it 3 times per day.)
- Daily photo (Just to keep my creative juices flowing!)
- Daily photography studies (I have 3 weddings scheduled in the next couple months and want to be 100% on my game.)
- Outline of book (It’s time to work on the book idea I have!)

Exercise schedule:
Monday- (Personal Trainer session) – ST – HIIT – ABS
Tuesday- Aqua – Swim Lesson
Wednesday- ST – HIITX2 – ABS
Thursday- Aqua – Swim Lesson
Friday- Body Balance Class – ST – HIIT – ABS
Saturday- Aqua – 20 laps
Sunday- rest day

Rewards:
- Thrill of success!
- 2 new complete outfits for trip
- Silver hoop earrings
- Troll bracelet and beads (black bracelet with amber beads)

So, that’s my challenge. I’m 3 days into it and doing well.

Here are a couple of my daily photos…

back from the Cook Islands!

I’m back from holiday! We had a great time yet it’s always good to get back home. Our flight was delayed by about 12 hours so it was a LONG travel day. We forgot our camera at home (can you believe it?) but borrowed one from THE DAUGHTER. As soon as she sends us the CD of images, I’ll post some here. The Cook Island Lagoon is truly a gorgeous place. I do believe it is tropical paradise – and that is saying a lot as I think the beaches here on the South Coast of Australia are some of the best in the world.

Bright and early the morning after we returned I got on the scale to evaluate any damage due to not eating on plan. I didn’t think it would be too severe but I must say, it was incredibly difficult to stick to low carb while traveling. There are just situations where you have limited choices and although I made the best of those situations, I knew that I was eating more carbs than I eat when at home. I didn’t pig out on carbs though - which was a welcome relief!

Drum-roll please……I was up 1 kilo/2.2 pounds. Can you believe that? I was amazed. Too bad I’m not to maintenance yet! It was good to be gone for 2 weeks, be eating outside my normal comfort zone and (basically) not gain any weight. It was good to be able to eat without binging….to continue on with the ‘normal’ eating that I’ve established over the last year and not feel deprived.

I had several observed NSV (non-scale victories) on this trip…..
- the seat belts on the airplane fit without problem
- and, the SEATS were actually comfortable (or as comfy as airline seats can be)
- turn stiles did not crowd me or rub my ass as I walked through them
- the one-size-fits-all robes in the rooms fit and CLOSED!
- The plastic chairs didn’t groan and bow under my weight
- There was extra room on the sides of my hips when sitting in beach chairs
- It was effortless walking on the beach. Matter-of-fact, sometimes Mr. W would tell me to slow down, that I was walking TOO FAST
- When looking at jewelry, bracelets fit my wrist without needing larger sizes or extensions
- Normal towels – not the big bath sheet sized towels – fit around me

I also had some new food items while on holiday…..
- Taro (a starchy like vegetable)
- Star fruit (tastes kinda like a cross between a lemon and an apple, in the shape of a star when cut)
- Ika Mata (raw tuna with lime, chili, tomato, cukes and coconut milk). DELICIOUS!
- Raw coconut
- Bread fruit (another starchy vegetable that grows on trees)
- Breadfruit salad (kinda like potato salad)
- Little green seaweed things. These didn’t have an English name. They looked like miniature grape clusters, about the size of a small sweet pickle. I didn’t like the texture, and the taste was basically like eating seaweed.

Surgery update…..I was cleared to start working out yesterday. It has been 3 weeks since I have worked out and I must say….I miss it. So, yesterday and today I did strong workouts. Today I also took a new class, Body Balance. I loved it. Tomorrow I’ll do an aqua class. My hips ache today!

My plan is to do a personal challenge for the next 9 weeks – to really ramp things up and (hopefully) remove 10 (or more) kilos of fat before my holiday to the USA. I am hesitant on the one hand to do this….not the challenge so much but the focus on removing 10 kilos of weight. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been working on this all along and I’m now 4 months into a weight loss stall. I don’t want to set myself up to feel bad for not reaching my goal. However, I refuse to give up and maybe, just maybe, it’s mind over matter. So, I am moving forward, full speed ahead, on my 9 week challenge with the BELIEF that I will be 10 kilos lighter by August 29, 2008.

I have a plan! I’m willing to do the work and I will succeed. Watch me fly!

NSV

I went to the movie Sex and the City today.  A solo date.  I loved the movie. 

I passed on the popcorn and had the mixed nuts that I’d tucked into my purse.  The Pepsi Max was delish.

The best part though?  Was not being squished into the movie theatre seats!  Fifty pounds ago, I would have been stuffed into the seat.  Today, I had room on either side of me and I sat there with my legs crossed in comfort. 

I was telling Mr. W about this experience.  He is so supportive of my changes (although I think he’s secretly a little concerned that I’ll lose TOO MUCH).  He said it will be interesting for me when we get on the plane in a couple days….to see how my ‘fit’ has changed with regard to the miniscule airline seats.  I can’t wait to check it out!

My suitcase is packed and we’re ready to take off in the morning for a couple days in the Big Smoke prior to heading out on holiday for 10 days of tropical paradise.  My plan is to stay low-carb and to do some kind of exercise each day.  I think I’ve milked my post-surgery time as long as I can….it’s time to get moving again!

 

questions for self….

What is it about being OVERLY full that appeals to me? What is it about the act of eating, even when I’m not hungry, that appeals to me? These are issues I’ve been dealing with today.

I overate at lunch. Not only did I overeat, but I KNEW I was overeating AND I wasn’t that hungry. Still I overate.

I had breakfast at 6am, coffee at 9am, a glass of juice at 11am, 2 ounces of cheese at 1pm, chicken and lettuce salad at 1:30pm followed by two oopsies. I know….that’s not a lot of food but the thing is, I ate it all when not hungry. Oh sure, I was starting to get a bit peckish at 1pm and that’s why I had the cheese while driving home…but I kept eating. I KNEW I was full BUT I KEPT EATING. I didn’t stop until I was stuffed.

Again, I ask myself…what is it about being OVERLY full that appeals to me? It obviously must appeal to me or I wouldn’t do it, right? I just don’t get it. I don’t get why I keep eating or even start eating when I’m not hungry and then can’t seem to stop myself until I’m miserably full. Until I can stop this behavior – this unreasonable behavior – do I ever have the chance of becoming and staying a normal size woman? Do I?

I have no answers to these questions. What I know is that at 5:30pm, I am still full but I want to eat. I want my afternoon snack. I want to fill the hole. The problem is that I don’t know what the hole is. What does the hole represent? Is it feeling hungry that alarms me? Is it simply FEELINGs in general that keep me stuffing the hole? Most of the time lately I have been able to either feed the hole in a reasonable manner or ignore the calling to feed the hole. I think I can ignore the calling today – but I want to know WHY. Why do I have to continue to fight this? And, WHAT. What exactly am I fighting? It’s an invisible foe that I am sometimes simply powerless over.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

quote

From Emotional Eating 101 – Protein Power Forum

“….unless you can learn to stop emotional eating, you will never be able to lose weight and keep it off. Period.”

Weekly check in - what I know for sure

Scale bounce again today (up). Maybe I haven’t broken through my plateau? Maybe I don’t care? Maybe I’m becoming obsessive about weight loss and I need to take a step back and regroup? I’m not sure.

What I know for sure:
1. I cannot let the scale rule my life. UP or down, do those one and two pounds really make a huge difference in my life? And, if they do, should they?

2. I had surgery this week and I am recovering well. I haven’t exercised for about 5 days, and I miss it. Never in my life would I have thought I’d miss exercise. How’s that for progress?

3. I am leaving for a tropical vacation in the Cook Islands in a few days and I can’t wait! I won’t be leaving my new eating and exercising habits behind rather I will be grateful and thankful for these new habits. At nearly 50 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time, my enjoyment of our time away will be magnified - not to mention I no longer have difficulty fitting in airline seats.

4. My life with Mr. W is more perfect than I could ever have imagined my life to be. Whether the numbers on the scale moved up or down, I am so incredibly blessed to be spending my life with this man. Oh, I know how corny that sounds - but it’s true. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he supports me in all I attempt to do. He is simply the best thing in my life.

5. I’m going to back away from the weight loss forums for awhile. It will be a good break to go on holiday and not spend time reading forums each day. I’m going to shift my focus a bit. I still think it’s important to stay vigilant on the health and fitness front but I need a bit more ‘life’ in my life besides weight loss. It can be a slippery slope-I suppose the risk is that I’ll stop focusing on health and fitness. It’s not that I’m not still totally committed to losing more weight and continuing to become more healthy - but I think I’m becoming a bit obsessive about it all. It’s important - this journey to fitness and health - it’s critically important to me - but I need a life also. Balance. Guess that’s what I’m going to work on.

6. I’m going to continue eating “lean, green and low carb” but I’m going to stop tracking my food in fitday, at least until we return from our holiday. I’m going to eat to satiety rather than to a specific number of calories. Maybe it’s time to let my body lead rather than all these head-game gyrations on what I should or shouldn’t be eating, how many calories, am I eating to my BMR, should I add or subtract coconut oil, does cream or wine make me stall and how are my macro balances? We’ll see how it goes.

With that in mind, I’m going to go make myself a cuppa tea and then dig into an article that I need to write. I have 3 days to get it started, developed and finished. We’ll talk about procrastination at a later date. :o)

Be back in a couple weeks!